The final determination

In the final determination it was calculated with some

certainty that each time a citizen of earth failed to

masturbate when presented with an opportunity to do so, it was

a crime against the wellbeing of the species as a whole. This

wasn’t the question that the newest and most sophisticated

thinking machine had been tasked with, but it was the answer

it gave. It would be fair to say that the findings were a

surprise to the assemblage of politicians, business leaders,

philosophers and artists gathered to hear the final profound

dictat that had long been expected, though not necessarily an

unwelcome one, since it validated the previous shameful

activity that had hitherto taken up so much of their time. The

rows of polished tables inhabited by scrupulously elegant

bodies twitched like tickled leaves in an urgent breeze as a

wave of comprehension dawned on the room. It was a tense

moment, made more so by the fact that the entire proceeding

had been televised, with every awkward glance and fidget

caught in precisely the kind of vainglorious high definition

close-up that had been insisted upon by the broadcasters and

attendees alike. The objective of the thinking machine had

been to formulate the crucial nudge that humanity needed in

helping it achieve the next stratum of social evolution

necessary to be regarded as a race of notable utility among

the great intergalactic sentient menagerie. It had been

decades since any progress had been made in the matter. It was

one thing to discover that aliens did indeed walk among us,

and had done for some time, but quite another to learn just

how disappointed they were to be here. Their final visitation

and unsolicited evaluation had been fleeting and impolite, and

even through the veil of cross-species miscommunication it was

perfectly obvious that Earth’s ambience could charitably be

described as ‘undesirable’. It was an unpleasant encounter

that excited a significant wrinkle in the collective pride of

the planet. The attention of Earth was focused, and in an

unforgiving mood. And so as the summit delegates were caught

in the fluttering blaze of ten billion eyes and the intense

crossfire of arousal and inadequacy, it was decided that the

best possible course of action could only be arrived at after

a brief but essential adjournment.