Why am I here?
Back here again.
Writing down my feelings,
Alone with a pen
What is the point,
To these scribbles I write?
It is all just noise
That keeps me up at night.
I feel like a frayed wire,
Burnt out like a dead fuse
Like someone set fire to me,
And left me abused.
Depression isn’t something
That just goes away
It isn’t a passing entity
That disappears one day.
It dives down and resurfaces
A roller coaster no one wants
Its lyrics are always written
In some brutal and bloody font.
Depression is permanent
For most It is always there.
It hangs like an corporeal curtain
And it never, ever plays fair.
It rips at your soul
Talons beared but only you see
Depression is curated
Which makes it feel like its just me.
Some people say
“you a stronger than you think”
But I have been in this miasma for years
I want more than white knuckles,
gripping the bathroom sink.
Grounded in something broken,
Adrift with everything lost
My pieces stolen away from me
Loving another comes at a cost.
There is only so much
Of your soul you can give,
Before there is nothing left to offer
And your heart no longer lives.
Decay is onsetting
Like fallen leaves turned to mulch
Until you feel nothing
Not even the strongest punch
So make this numb feeling your power
You can fight and not feel pain
Because what could be worse
Than the game you already played?
Now go and throw your punches,
If you lose it doesnt really matter
Because in the end its painfully obvious
Your heart is already in tatters.
A note from the author:
“I want to raise awareness about mental health, and fight the stigmas associated with it, through sharing my own experiences. Most of the time, I write about it. How it makes me feel. What is going on inside my mind. When my recent and ongoing bout of depression reached its peak, I wrote this poem. It was a stream of my thoughts and feelings at that time, unabridged and entirely honest.
I hope it will give others going through similar battles the freedom to speak more freely about their own struggles, without judgement or fear. You aren’t alone.”
Ed.: If you are struggling with depression or suicidal thoughts The Samaritans are a brilliant organisation, available to talk with at any time, 365 days a year. Their website is accessible here.