Unmotivated destruction

I wake up, dazed and alone
I guess this is how it feels when I am home
I lie in my bed and stare at my phone
And I realise that maybe I should just stay prone
But that is when it begins to build
Like a manifesting notion of some creeping guilt
Anxiety’s fingers begin to curl around my chest
But here, unlike the army, there is no protective vest
No armour to wear when it’s fingers - like bullets -
Start tearing my ribcage and dive right through it
This panic of anxiety makes my heartbeat quicken
The mist in my eyes readily starts to thicken
I pull myself out from under the covers
But already my mind is caught in the stutters
Tears roll down my cheeks
And I go back to bed
It has been this way for weeks
I wish I were dead
These voices in my head
I swear they are the loudest
Screaming torments and threats
They are by far the foulest
Because no one has ever been as brutal to me
As the demons in my mind
Let me show you
you’ll see
If you saw me through my eyes you would notice
That there is no desire for me to gloat in this
I am crippled by depression
And every time it has beaten me
I am tired of feeling lonely
I am tired of feeling lost
Tired of the way that my mind won’t fucking turn off
Distracted by the darkness
Plagued by a devil
My mind is a catacomb
Like some video-game level
My motivation is non-existent
All passions falling away
They are locked in a prison
And there they will stay
Motivation for what in a world so corrupt?
Where everything seems so defunct
I stare at my ceiling and wonder what has happened
And when did our lives become so damned callous?
What is so special about “Netflix and chill?”
When did it become uncool to say “I love you, let’s build”?
In a world where the main aspiration
Is to change and be fake
What chance does “real” have
When so much is at stake?
My anxiety is painful
My anxiety is manic
I remember all the times I contemplated ending this
Don’t tell me to lighten up
Don’t tell me “don’t give in”
This isn’t your fight
You don’t decide who wins
I have been fighting depression for half of my life,
It was given to me at 14
And thrown at me with spite
Don’t tell me you feel sorry for me
I don’t want your pity
Some of you are the reason
That I feel like I don’t belong, and I feel this shitty
Depression is the voice saying “kill yourself and be done”
Anxiety is the scream “get up and run!”
They go hand in hand
Like two birds of a feather
I have to be honest
I don’t think this is a storm I can weather.
I am tired of my heart being treated like a collectable
Worth something once,
But now just expendable
I am sick of being labeled as the problem, the reason
When what really happened is that you found someone else to believe in
I feel like a failure
I feel like a joke
I can’t get away
From all the words that they spoke
Those words of degradation
Those words of betrayal
It isn’t hard to figure
Why my mental state is so frail
The world keeps telling me I can’t have what I want
But it is happy to hold it up in front of me and say
You may touch it just once
I want to say I am done
With this world so unkind
But even in this
Life has you in a bind
So here I am, plodding on through the pain
Just hoping that there will be
some cleansing rain
Until that day comes
And washes away my suffering
Here I will stay
With my life set on buffering.

A note from the author:

“I want to raise awareness about mental health, and fight the stigmas associated with it, through sharing my own experiences. Most of the time, I write about it. How it makes me feel. What is going on inside my mind. When my recent and ongoing bout of depression reached its peak, I wrote this poem. It was a stream of my thoughts and feelings at that time, unabridged and entirely honest.

I hope it will give others going through similar battles the freedom to speak more freely about their own struggles, without judgement or fear. You aren’t alone.”

Ed.: If you are struggling with depression or suicidal thoughts The Samaritans are a brilliant organisation, available to talk with at any time, 365 days a year. Their website is accessible here.